Why does talk in families so often go in circles, leaving us tied up
in knots? In this illuminating book, Deborah Tannen, the linguist and
and bestselling author of You Just Don't Understand and many other
books, reveals why talking to family members is so often painful and
problematic even when we're all adults.
Searching for signs of acceptance and belonging, we find signs of
disapproval and rejection. Why do the seeds of family love so often
yield a harvest of criticism and judgment? In I Only Say This Because I
Love You, Tannen shows how important it is, in family talk, to learn to
separate word meanings, or messages, from heart meanings, or
metamessages --unstated but powerful meanings that come from the history
of our relationships and the way things are said.
Presenting real conversations from people's lives, Tannen reveals what
is actually going on in family talk, including how family conversations
must balance the longing for connection with the desire for control, as
we struggle to be close without giving up our freedom.
This eye-opening book explains why grown women so often feel criticized
by their mothers; and why mothers feel they can't open their mouths
around their grown daughters; why growing up male or female, or as an
older or younger sibling, results in different experiences of family
that persist throughout our lives; and much, much more. By helping us to
understand and redefine family talk, Tannen provides the tools to
improve relationships with family members of every age.
