Bluffer's Guide to Surfing: Instant Wit and WisdomPaperback, 28 May 2019

Never again confuse your tails with your rails, your SUPs with your ASPs, your shapers with your sprayers, or localism with a friendly welcome. Bask in the admiration of your fellow enthusiasts as you reminisce joyfully about those moments watching friends "going over the falls," and pronounce confidently about the exact location of the Ampullae of Lorenzini. (That particular morsel of knowledge could save you from becoming shark food).

DON'T SHOUT when surfing. No one likes a shouter. Surfing is being at one with Nature; it is like riding on God's soul. The only sound should be that of breaking surf. On the other hand, no one likes a hippy either. DON'T SAY "I'm not kidding, dude. I once rode a Great White most of the way down the Pororoca."